


The Wank Prank

by MissDrarryDawn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, FWP, M/M, PostWar, canonicallydeadarealive, crackfic, fluffwithoutplot, prank, wanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 15:55:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21000293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissDrarryDawn/pseuds/MissDrarryDawn
Summary: Fred and George pull a prank on the entire school. They really outdid themselves this time.//Completed//Word count: 3.9k





	The Wank Prank

**Author's Note:**

> crack fics are best fics. i firmly stand by this ;^;
> 
> note: some of the characters who canonically died in the war are alive here

Harry was quite so rudely awakened by his friend's garbled screaming. Shooting out of bed in a panic, thinking Voldemort had just casually strolled into Hogwarts somehow despite being dead, he was relieved to find their dorm void of Dark Lords, instead filled with his friend's pale gaping faces.

"What?" He snipped, peeved to have been woken up. It took him a moment to notice there were names floating over all of his friends' heads. Above Ron's head floated _Hermione Granger_, over Seamus' _Dean Thomas_, and so on. He blinked dumbly, what did he miss? Was there some name floating over his head too?

"Mate...why didn't you ever tell us?" Ron asked, looking more upset than the rest of them.

"Tell you what? What's going on here? What's up with those names?" Harry asked, rubbing his eyes, mind too tired to process anything. Seamus explained, a light blush coating his cheeks:

"Fred and George pranked the entire school. Everyone has the name of the person they think of while wanking floating above their head." 

Harry's heart sank seven floors, he grew cold. _Fuck_.

"You should have told us you were gay, mate, you know we'll support you." Ron spoke again, shaking his head in disappointment.

Harry's mouth grew dry and he looked down into his lap, biting his lip:

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry, I just--"

"And you should have told us _who_ it is. This is important Harry." Ron scolded again, crossing his arms over his chest.

Harry only shrunk in on himself when Neville spoke:

"Yeah, Harry, it's important that you fancy Malfoy."

The raven winced at the words.

~

"Draco! DRACO!" Blaise was violently shaking his friend awake. After a moment Draco opened his eyes and scowled, shoving Blaise away.

"What?!" He snapped, sitting up, doing his best to throw a convincing glare after being roused from a wonderful dream featuring an arsehole with green eyes.

"Draco.." Blaise spoke again, shaking his head, looking at something right above Draco's head. The blonde looked up, but saw nothing, then he focused back on his friend. _Neville Longbottom_ floated above his head and Draco blinked, sure he was seeing things. 

"Why the hell is Longbottom's name floating over your head Blaise?" He asked, incredulous to this whole situation. Blaise sighed heavily:

"The Weasley twins pranked the entire bloody school yesterday. Everyone's got the name of who they wank to floating above their head, those bloody Weasels." 

And it was_ then_ that Draco understood why Blaise was in such a panic earlier. 

He was starting to fall into a similar state himself.

~

Gryffindors and Slytherins have been exchanging knowing, uneasy glances all morning, Luna noticed. She also noticed Harry and Draco weren't present at breakfast, or classes. She wondered why that could be. She had been the only one that was spared of the twins' prank, because they deemed her too innocent and sweet to embarrass like they did the rest of the school. She was grateful, she supposed, though she really wouldn't have minded. She was not ashamed of her feelings and did not strive to hide them. Though those wary glances between the lions and the snakes were awfully secretive and very interesting. 

~

"Harry, you have to come down to class eventually. McGonagall is not pleased." Ron chided.

Harry just buried himself deeper beneath the covers. 

"No, Ron. Malfoy is _not_ seeing this. Do you realize what he'll do? He hates me enough already." Harry whined and Ron sighed.

"He hasn't been coming down to classes either Harry, I'm sure it'll be fine." 

Harry just shook his head stubbornly.

~

"Draco..you're missing out on too many classes." Blaise sat down heavily next to Draco, bringing him all the notes. He knew the blonde couldn't keep up this pace forever.

"I am _not_ going down there until this prank is over. If Potter saw this..._Jesus_." He shuddered at the thought.

"Potter hasn't been coming to class either. He's probably hiding a filthy secret like you were. You know you can't afford to fall too far back."

Draco was affronted:

"How are you so unaffected by this stupid game?" 

"As it happens, Neville had my name floating above his head too, so really, this game worked in my favor." Blaise grinned wide and Draco scoffed, rolling his eyes:

"Good for you Blaise. Be that as it were, I'm not humiliating myself further." 

The dark skinned boy sighed and shrugged.

~

The twins had a specific goal in mind, Luna concluded when they hadn't dropped the prank after a week. Harry and Draco still haven't shown up, and the teachers were not best pleased. She wondered what's happened to them. Were they ill? Was it the prank? One way to find out.

"Hello Hermione." She nodded her head politely at the bushy haired girl.

"Oh, hi Lulu. What's up?" Hermione gave her a bright smile. 

"Is Harry alright? I noticed he hasn't appeared in any classes for a week now." Luna tucked a stray lock of blonde hair behind her ear.

"Ah, uh, _that_.." Hermione bit her lip and squirmed. "He's been feeling _ill_, that's all.." 

Luna glanced up at the name floating above Hermione's head. _Ronald Weasley_. She smiled and thanked Hermione.

~

"Mate, you _have_ to show up for class tomorrow. McGonagall is threatening expulsion." Ron sat down next to Harry. "I'm sorry, I really am, but he's not worth getting expelled for." 

~

"Draco, if you don't show up to class tomorrow, you'll be expelled." Blaise notified upon returning from dinner. He gave Draco a hard glare. "Potter's not worth this spectacle. I _know _your father will give you hell, but I don't _dare_ think what he'd do if you got expelled." 

Draco whined pathetically, dropping his head into his hands. _Bloody hell..._

~

When Harry walked into Potions the next morning, not any less mortified than he was yesterday, he was horrified to find Malfoy already there, though he was placated by the fact he was hunched over his desk, head in his hands, lying completely still. Harry had skipped breakfast, not ready to subject himself to that, and had instead come directly to class. Everyone turned to stare at him, and a few people snickered to themselves. Harry glanced uneasily at Malfoy, and froze in his tracks. 

_Harry Potter _floated above his head in shimmering white letters. 

"Uh." He gurgled incoherently, eyes raking over all the students, who were staring at the two of them. He gauged their reactions, and everyone seemed just as gobsmacked as him. He took a careful step towards Malfoy's desk, biting his lip. Was this smart? Of course it wasn't. Harry tapped him on the shoulder.

"Piss off Pansy, I'm bloody well aware everyone is bloody staring." 

"Err...Malfoy?" Harry spoke, voice wavering. The ridge of his shoulders tightened and tensed painfully when he heard Harry.

"_Salazar have mercy. _You, especially, can piss off. Spare what little's left of my dignity, please." Malfoy muttered, still bent over, not lifting his head. 

Harry snickered softly and stood in front of his desk.

"Malfoy, you should _really_ look up at me." He suggested helpfully, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Why the fuck would I do that? I know what you bloody look like." Malfoy bit, coaxing another smile out of Harry. He could get used to an embarrassed Malfoy.

"No, I'm serious, you should look up." The raven goaded, feeling himself flush under the scrutiny of dozens of eyes.

"What part of _'piss off'_ didn't you understand Potter?" The blonde sighed throatily, grumbling. Harry cocked an eyebrow and braced himself for the words he was about to speak:

"The part where my bloody name is floating above your head.." He trailed off for a moment. "And yours is floating above mine." He finished in a breath, biting his lip. 

_No turning back now._

That got Malfoy to look up. He whipped upwards so quickly Harry was worried he might have gotten whiplash. He blinked dumbly up at Harry's face for a moment, before his eyes strayed above Harry's head. And he stared. And stared. And just bloody _stared. _As if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Harry waited for a few moments, letting him take a good, long look, before he turned around and scurried off to find a seat, cheeks burning with embarrassment.

All he heard was Malfoy gurgle wetly behind him in a very undignified manner before he sat down and Snape walked in.

~

Draco was slumped over miserably in his seat, hiding his head away. He had skipped breakfast and made his way into class, hoping beyond hope Potter wouldn't attend today. The moment he walked in everyone had thrown him shocked glances, especially Weasel and Granger. He scowled at them all before slouching in his chair, trying to blend with the desk. Someone tapped his shoulder, and he assumed it was Pansy trying to get him to look up, which was resolutely not going to happen:

"Piss off Pansy, I'm bloody well aware everyone is bloody staring." He hissed at her, but _then:_

"Err..Malfoy?" Potter fucking spoke and Draco bit his tongue on a scream. _Fucking bloody hell, the Gods really did hate him._ He took a few seconds to draw in a breath, before forcing as much bite into his words as possibly, considering his heart was hammering so hard he was sure it would fail him any second now.

"You, especially, can piss off. Spare what little's left of my dignity, please." He begged, calling on all of Potter's nobleness. Surely it would work. 

"Malfoy, you should _really_ look up at me." Potter spoke, and he sounded amused. 

"Why the fuck would I do that? I know what you bloody look like." _Too well_. He chastised himself. 

"No, I'm serious, you should look up." Potter did not give up. Draco just wished he'd go away and leave Draco to die in peace.

"What part of _'piss off'_ didn't you understand Potter?" He grumbled.

"The part where my bloody name is floating above your head.." Oh please don't._ "And yours is floating above mine."_

_...._

Draco whirled upwards so quickly his neck twinged, staring up at Potter's flushed face, his eyes straying to above his head. The bastard wasn't taking the piss.

_Draco Malfoy_ was right there, above his head, twinkling like fucking fairy lights. 

Potter stood there for a few moments longer, before turning around and finding a seat, leaving Draco completely dumbstruck. He couldn't believe his bloody eyes. He didn't hear half of Snape's lesson and made no move to get up after it was over. Just sat there, staring at the spot Potter stood in. 

There was no way, Draco wouldn't dare believe. Every time he glanced Potter's way during class, trying to assure himself what he saw wasn't a product of his depraved imagination, his own name stared right back at him, unwavering. 

He felt Pansy tugging on his arm to get him to move, but he payed it no heed. He felt too jelly-legged to stand up. Suddenly, she seemed to give up and he heard her walking out. Potter suddenly knelt in front of his desk, filling his vision.

"Uh, Malfoy, are you okay?" He asked, waving a hand in front of Draco's face. _How ridiculous. _Still, Draco couldn't speak. Potter waited, eyes searching Draco's face, a crease in his brows.

"You--I--You--" Draco tried, but words failed him and he cursed inwardly. 

"Yes?" Potter seemed patient enough, if a little embarrassed. Draco gave up and groaned, giving Potter a pleading look. 

"Didn't expect this one, did you?" Potter smiled shyly. "I didn't either." He admitted, snickering softly. He was much too close for comfort. Draco bit his lip and opened his mouth to attempt to speak again, but Potter shook his head. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Draco's cheek, before standing up and making his way to the door, stopping once to look back:

"I'll see you around, Draco." 

~

"Blaise!" Draco shrieked after stumbling into his dorm like a drunk fool. Blaise gave him an interested smirk:

"Yess?" He drew out the 's'.

3 hours later, Blaise was a bit sick of hearing the same story on repeat, but he didn't have the heart to cut Draco off. He looked so giddy and happy, and Blaise cursed himself for growing soft.

Recounting the story so many times had certainly worn Draco out, and now he was splayed in his bed, replaying everything. Potter couldn't have been serious..He was messing with Draco, surely. Though Potter never was the type to be heartless enough to do such a thing, Draco was almost 100% certain that he was being made fun of in some way. His heart clenched thinking this was all a bloody joke, but he just grit his teeth through the burn, turning around to face the wall.

~

"Hermione he's been hyperventilating into his pillow for an hour now." Ron moaned, having given up on trying to calm Harry down about half an hour ago.

"Did he tell you why?" The girl asked, worrying her bottom lip.

"All he got out before he broke down was 'Malfoy--kiss--cheek--fuck--panic'. That's not exactly much to work with is it?" Ron mused. Hermione snickered:

"Oh but do you remember when Malfoy walked into class this morning?" 

Ron shook his head:

"I thought nothing could surprise me anymore. I was so horribly wrong. Oh but when Harry walked in, his face was priceless." He grinned. Hermione nodded:

"Harry did hang back after class, maybe something happened? I suppose we'll have to wait until he's calmed down before we force it out of him." She concluded, and Ron only hummed in agreement.

~

"Potter!" 

Harry stopped short when he heard that voice and turned around carefully, only to see Malfoy stomping up to him rather determinedly in the middle of the bloody hallway. The twins still didn't take their goddamn spell off, and Harry shifted his weight awkwardly when Malfoy was finally upon him.

"I demand to know what that imbroglio in the classroom yesterday was all about." He informed Harry, and Harry didn't miss the light flush over his pale cheeks. The raven wanted to chuckle but he reigned himself in.

"What do you think it was about?" He replied instead, schooling his face. Malfoy faltered, flushing harder, seemingly for the first time realizing they were in a hallway full of students who were staring. Harry's composure broke, and he grinned wider, taking a deep breath to summon his courage. He pushed onto his toes and kissed Malfoy's cheek again, pulling back with a shy smile. He studied Malfoy's face and the poor sod looked so stricken. Harry waited for a reaction out of the frozen blonde, studying his face.

He was flushing more and more by the second, his mouth was hanging open in an attempt to speak, throat working but no words coming out. Harry bit his lip on a grin, fleetingly marveling at how easily flustered Draco Malfoy got. 

"I--" He started, then trailed off, and Harry waited. People were still staring, but the raven stopped caring a moment ago. Draco's face was worth it. "Prat." Draco huffed the word out and Harry lost it. He started laughing, cheery as ever. Because of course Draco Malfoy would say something like that in a situation like this, and Harry found it endlessly amusing. When his burst of giggles had passed, he looked at Draco properly again. He had his arms crossed over his chest, resolutely not looking at Harry.

"Why am I a prat?" He asked conversationally. 

"Because you just _are_." Draco huffed stubbornly, like a bloody child. It was so _painfully_ cute.

"How come?" Harry didn't relent, his smile never leaving his face. Draco turned back to look at him, jaw set, when he brought his hand up and poked Harry's grinning cheek:

"Because of _this_." He poked the lens of Harry's glasses next. "And _this_." Then he curled a finger around a strand of Harry's wild hair. "And _this_." He let his hand drop away, glaring down at Harry, who had an eyebrow raised.

"So, that's what makes me a prat then, huh?" He asked the blonde, grin widening. 

"Among other things." Draco concurred. 

"Should I just shave my head, stop smiling and stop wearing glasses then? So I'm not a prat anymore?" Harry asked, noting the exact moment Draco's face blanched.

"You wouldn't dare Potter." He glared. Harry tilted his head to the side, affecting confusion best he could. He was about to speak, but Draco beat him to it: "You're not allowed to ever stop being a prat." 

"I'm not? Why not?" Harry could stand there and have this stupid, cheeky conversation with Draco forever. He felt so damn fluttery.

"Because I'll love you less if you do."

Draco seemed just as surprised as Harry that he'd said that. He went really still, eyes darting around. Harry needed a moment. Just one moment to gain access to his faculties again. A warmth unlike any other flushed through him.

"We can't have that happening, now can we?" He grinned again, helpless against the onslaught of affection surging through his blood. Draco's eyes snapped to him again, brows furrowed. He relaxed the tiniest bit at Harry's easy smile. 

And Harry wanted to say something, say it back, to let Draco know everything, but the words were stuck in his throat. He feared Draco might think Harry was taking the piss out of this. Such thoughts alarmed him so much his windpipe felt jammed with rocks. He couldn't choke the words past his lips, so instead, he decided to just _show_ Draco. 

He stepped closer, leaned in, and kissed him. Soft and gentle, mind and soul in it, hands coming up around Draco's neck, holding him tenderly while their lips remained locked. It didn't matter to Harry if Draco didn't respond, he just wanted to show him that there was no doubt behind his words and touches of yesterday and today. But Draco responded. He tilted his head, fitting their lips better together, and pushed back against Harry, his arms coming up to cup Harry's face.

And it was so, so _perfect_. 

Harry felt how tightly Draco clutched him, and he held the other boy just as tightly. _I'm here._ Harry told him. _I mean this._ He pressed his lips forward harder, all other thoughts wiped clean from his mind. _All of it._

The world was spinning around in dizzying circles, their hearts thundered in the same rhythm, a crescendo of new heights. 

After a moment Harry pulled away, a content sigh shuddering out of him. He didn't remove himself from Draco's hold. He opened his eyes and studied the blonde's face, his own features relaxed. Draco's bright gray eyes stared right back at him, and his bottom lip was trembling.

It had only hit Harry a moment later that he'd _kissed_ Draco Malfoy. And he didn't even have the mind to appropriately panic over it. He didn't care. All he could do was be blissfully happy for the time being. 

~

If Draco had thought Potter was pulling some sort of ruse, all of his doubts were erased the moment Potter stepped up to him and kissed him. One does not kiss so sweetly on account of a joke. And Potter kept his lips steady, a silent promise, an entreaty to Draco, unspoken but present. And Draco replied, slotting their mouths better together, hands cupping Potter's cheeks, holding onto him tightly, fearing this is all some sort of dream, a fantasy, scared Potter would disappear if Draco let go of him. He did not. His own arms tightened around Draco after a moment, assuring him without a single word. He pulled away much too soon if you asked Draco, and stared at him with such a stricken look on his face that Draco's stomach flipped.

He couldn't have cared less that they were in a crowded hallway, being stared at, being gossiped about, none of it mattered. Potter was right there, in front of Draco, smiling and happy, looking completely content to stand there in his arms.

"Oi! Oi! What's going on here?" Two voices carried over the lull of the crowd, the Weasley twins pushing to the front, only to stop and stare at Harry and Draco, looking shocked for all of one second. Then, they grinned wickedly at each other and high-fived:

"Looks like we did it." 

Draco heard them whoop cheerfully, and he could only flush, dropping his head onto Potter's shoulder, not wanting to look around. He felt safer this way. He felt Potter laugh:

"So you two humiliated the entire school for this purpose only?" 

Draco did not have to look at them to know they were grinning maniacally.

"Face it Harry, you _never_ would have done anything. And if exposing your wanking habits was the way to get your arse moving, then so be it." 

This time, it was Draco snickering into Potter's shoulder.

"And while we were at it, we decided to have some more fun with it. It would have been rude to humiliate you only." They stopped talking for a moment, before continuing:

"Besides, exposing _Malfoy's_ wanking habits was much too tempting to refuse. Who'd have guessed he gets off to you?" 

Draco scoffed, flushing at the utterly crass words.

"Piss off." He grumbled in their general direction and Potter laughed again. Then, because his friends were traitors, Draco heard Blaise and Pansy pipe in:

"Actually, we guessed. Or more like, _heard._" 

Potter dissolved into helpless chuckles, shoulders shaking and Draco wished the ground to open and swallow him whole. Lying pricks, that _wasn't_ how they found out. But no one would believe the truth _now_. 

"Really Draco?" Potter spoke into his ear, his grin audible in his voice. 

"_Shut up_." The blonde begged. Potter giggled again.

"So, you lot got what you wanted. You can get these bloody names to go away now, yes? There's no need for everyone to be flashed the fact I wank to Draco anymore." 

"Ah, Harry, but this is fun." The Weasleys whined, looking around at everyone gathered in the hallway, trying to memorize as many names as possible, for future reference.

"It wont be fun after I send you to Pomfrey. Chop chop, off with the spell now." Potter threatened, voice going low. Draco shuddered.

"Alright, _alright, _you're _no_ fun." They pouted, before Draco felt a sweep of magic dispelling everyone from whatever the fuck they cursed the students with. 

~

Turns out Luna was right, as she always tends to be. The twins _did _have a specific goal in mind, and it was a rather charming one. If it was in the name of love, she approved it. And how lovely was the result. Harry and Draco were always smiling, holding hands walking down the hallways, sitting together in class, always yappering on and _on_ about each other to their respective friends, who feigned annoyance but were actually over the moon for the two. At first, she didn't believe anything pure would come out of the prank. It was such a crude joke to play after all. 

However, Luna was pleased to have been proven wrong for once, as it turned out the Wank Prank (dubbed as such quite vacuously, if you asked her) yielded happier results than anyone could have imagined. 

~

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Find more on my [Tumblr](https://missdrarrydawn.tumblr.com/)


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